10 Feb 2015


Taking the first step in anything can be difficult at the best of times, just once it would be nice if the shoe was on the other foot.

Being hurt so many times over can cut us to the very core of our being and make us want to walk away, never to experience that kind of pain again. But when that continuous hurt comes from someone who is meant to love you unconditionally, the pain never leaves, it never fades, even when you think you have walked away for the last time, the pain reoccurs when you least expect it.

For years now I have carried a lot of anger toward someone in my life. Someone that should have been there to protect me, someone I should be able to trust with my whole being, someone who's approval I have tried to over and over gain. I am convinced that the person who chooses to hurt me, does so to gain praise from someone else in their life. I believe they think no matter how many times I am pushed to my limits, I will forgive and move on.

But I cant, I hold a deep harrowing grudge that has clasped itself around my heart, I'm so deeply hurt that I don't know how to move on anymore, or if I will be able to ever find a peaceful solution before it is too late.....

 I know that I need to learn how to forgive, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind.
But how do you learn to forgive when it seems so impossible ?
How do you try and move on from all the hurt so that you can lead a life without regret ?
I really don't know.

Usually forgiveness comes easily as time passes, and you can let bygones be bygones, but this time it has gone way past this point. I struggle daily with the knowledge that I may never have a peaceful relationship with this person ever again.
I feel guilty even though I know I have done all that I can to mend this relationship.

I'm done with being the one that continuously reaches out, done with the feeling of not being good enough. And if that makes me sound callous and mean, so be it.

How this person treats me is wrong, it's hurtful and to be honest I don't know how much more I can take.

I have reached out for the last time. I don't need the pain and negativity in my life any longer. My family deserves ALL of me and my attention and of course my love. What this person has done to me over and over again I could never do to my children. They are my whole life, my heart aches with so much love for them that at times I think it could burst, and that is exactly the way it should be.

They say a little girls hero is her Daddy, but he will never be mine......

Linking up with the gorgeous Jess of Essentially Jess for this weeks IBOT

beck xx


  1. Bugger. I just wrote the longest comment ever and now it's gone!

    In short, I had a feeling who you were talking about before I even saw the last line. I'm going to be blunt with you because I spent two years where you are now. My father told me I was dead to him and my mum told me I imagined it. All of my comments on social media and pictures of vodka and tequila was me desperately trying to cope. I cut all ties because I figured that me and my kids didn't need that toxic poison in our lives, but there was so much crap in my head I couldn't make sense of. Eventually I was diagnosed with depression and saw a psychologist, and it was the best thing I ever did. She helped me make sense of things, pointed out patterns I had never seen, and dramatically improved my mental state. They were the fucked up ones, not me.

    I couldn't share any of this on my blog because my mum used to subscribe, and that had a lot to do with me deleting a blog I had poured my heart into for years. Every mention of them got me texts telling me to shut up.

    I am asking you to please do whatever it takes to get better. You have a beautiful family and not only do you deserve to be whole but they want to see you be who you used to be before this. If it wasn't for my husband and kids I honestly would not be here, but I still had to address all the baggage in my head. I understand completely the devastation of learning that unconditional love from a parent is based on lies and bullshit, I feel your pain.

    I'm sending you big hugs Beck. You are beautiful and deserve better. Good luck babe, I will be thinking about you.

    Ana. xxx

    {I bet the original comment turns up as soon as I hit publish ;-) }

    1. It took me a little while to reply to this comment Ana. I had to get myself together and stop the tears. Thank you for reaching out and sharing some of your story with me, I truly appreciate it and I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I struggle with the knowledge that I am not good enough for my father to want to be there for me or to love. I know I need to move on but I'm not sure how to let go and forgive .
      Thank you again sweetie.
      Beck xx

    2. Don't dare say you're not good enough for him. X.

  2. Oh Beck - I'm so sad for you. If you've continually invested time and energy to heal and nurture the relationship and you continue to get hurt over and over than I can only think to advise you to end the relationship (at least for now) so you can heal and try to forgive. Forgiveness is SO HARD but necessary because otherwise you hold negativity inside which eats away at you. You ARE good enough. Your father is missing out. He is the one who is not good enough. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs from me to you! xoxo

    1. I think the best thing maybe to walk away and cut myself of once and for all. I hate the feeling this way but I need to do what's best for my family. Thank you for the hugs xxx

  3. Oh Beck! I'm sorry! We all want that unconditional acceptance and it's awful when it doesn't come.
    FWIW, forgiveness doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you. You deserve better than that. xxx

  4. Oh hun. I just want to wrap you up in the biggest cuddle ever. I can even begin to imagine and I really dont know what to say.. so instead I will just say - i'm here if you ever need me and with that I will send so much love your way xx

  5. Forgiveness is a big topic for me right now. I keep reading about how forgiveness is about healing myself and freeing up that energy for positive good on my life rather than keeping a vice clamped around my hear and gut, it is so hard to let go of anger and pain though. Biggest hugs to you xxx

    1. It is very hard, I hope you can find a way to let go and forgive. I'm trying hard but always seem to stumble. Big hugs to you sweetie xx

  6. Oh, Beck...I went through the same thing with a family member. I think for me, part of it was just letting go. Rather than having to verbally forgive that person, just quietly forgive them in your heart. It's a tough one and I still go through hard times. It's important to be good to yourself and to take it easy x

    1. I'm doing the best I can and trying really hard to forgive Grace. It's not easy is it, I hope you are doing okay. Sending huge hugs to you xx



Well hello there.... It’s been a while between blog posts, I needed time to gather my thoughts and to heal, both inside and out. Most of...