26 Apr 2016


During the course of my life I have been continuously let down and cast aside by a family member. Mentally abused to the point that the mere mention of them has at times made me physically sick. Although not solely to blame, I would go as far as saying that this member of "my family" are a major factor of my depression and anxiety.

I have never acknowledged that before today...
Maybe that is a huge milestone for me.

I don't know why I haven't been able to admit that before, I know that deep down I always knew it, but to actually speak of it out loud was not something I was ready to do before now.

Today mid morning I was going about my usual business. Washing, folding, cleaning you get my drift, when I received a phone call that was in my books very unsettling. I knew that to check on this person there was only one thing that I could possibly do, as much as I wanted to let the conversation that I had go,  I knew that this was not the right thing to do. After procrastinating for quite some time, I rang my husband to ask his advice. I already knew what he would say, I was just trying to avoid the inevitable.

I was physically sick, but I made that call...

Surprisingly for the first time in a long long time it went well. My questions were answered, the conversation pleasant, I was on edge the whole time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept expecting to be dumped on, for the sarcasm to rare its ugly head. It didn't.
I don't know whether it was mutual concern for the other person involved that warranted me to make this call or something much deeper, but for now I am not going to read to much into it or make myself sick with worry trying to analyse every inch of the conversation. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie and take one small step at a time, starting with admitting the affect this person has had on my entire life and why for so many years a deep cut has not been able to heal.

What has made me come to this point today ?
A day that started out as a normal Tuesday but ended with an explosive admittance.
Why am I feeling all the feels of a roller coaster when my feet are firmly planted on the ground ?

Today, on this ordinary Tuesday for the first time that I can remember...

My father told me that he loved me.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT and spilling my guts to get it all off my chest.

beck xx


  1. So it turned out that this "ordinary" Tuesday was really quite extraordinary after all. That may be the first time you father told you he loved you, but I hope that it's not the last. Here's to healing...

    1. Thank you Sammie, still not sure about it all but baby steps xx

  2. That is huge. I hope that things continue to improve in baby steps...and that you (and he) benefit.

  3. Oh that's massive Beck! I'm so glad he told you that and I hope that this is the start of a healing journey for you. xxx

    1. Thank you Jess. Still trying to process it, but at least it's a start xx

  4. Wow, that is a really big deal. We have something in common (apart from Facebook thinking we are twins!) - my mother was similar. In fact we were estranged for many years before her death for the reasons you listed :-( .

    1. Sorry to hear that Janet. We are lucky that we both have such beautiful families now.

      What a giggle is face book, maybe you are my long lost twin 😂😂 lol



Well hello there.... It’s been a while between blog posts, I needed time to gather my thoughts and to heal, both inside and out. Most of...