Taking the first step in anything can be difficult at the best of times, just once it would be nice if the shoe was on the other foot.
Being hurt so many times over can cut us to the very core of our being and make us want to walk away, never to experience that kind of pain again. But when that continuous hurt comes from someone who is meant to love you unconditionally, the pain never leaves, it never fades, even when you think you have walked away for the last time, the pain reoccurs when you least expect it.
For years now I have carried a lot of anger toward someone in my life. Someone that should have been there to protect me, someone I should be able to trust with my whole being, someone who's approval I have tried to over and over gain. I am convinced that the person who chooses to hurt me, does so to gain praise from someone else in their life. I believe they think no matter how many times I am pushed to my limits, I will forgive and move on.
But I cant, I hold a deep harrowing grudge that has clasped itself around my heart, I'm so deeply hurt that I don't know how to move on anymore, or if I will be able to ever find a peaceful solution before it is too late.....
But how do you learn to forgive when it seems so impossible ?
How do you try and move on from all the hurt so that you can lead a life without regret ?
I really don't know.
Usually forgiveness comes easily as time passes, and you can let bygones be bygones, but this time it has gone way past this point. I struggle daily with the knowledge that I may never have a peaceful relationship with this person ever again.
I feel guilty even though I know I have done all that I can to mend this relationship.
I'm done with being the one that continuously reaches out, done with the feeling of not being good enough. And if that makes me sound callous and mean, so be it.
How this person treats me is wrong, it's hurtful and to be honest I don't know how much more I can take.
I have reached out for the last time. I don't need the pain and negativity in my life any longer. My family deserves ALL of me and my attention and of course my love. What this person has done to me over and over again I could never do to my children. They are my whole life, my heart aches with so much love for them that at times I think it could burst, and that is exactly the way it should be.
They say a little girls hero is her Daddy, but he will never be mine......
Linking up with the gorgeous Jess of Essentially Jess for this weeks IBOT