4 Mar 2014

Just Breathe

At one stage in my life, there were many events and outings that occupied my time and kept me very busy, entertained, and enjoying life.

I thrived being out with others, letting my hair down, so to speak and spending time being me and not 'just a mum'. Not that there is anything wrong with that, after all for the past twenty almost twenty one years that has been ME and the road I chose and what I always dreamt of being. I enjoy being a'mum' more than anything, it has fulfilled all my expectations and more.

But lets face it, we all need to let loose and spend quality time with our partners and friends. To feel alive and refreshed.........

That used to be me !

Now, at this stage in my life going out has become a rare occasion.
Sad but true.....
Life has taken over, I have let it. I have let myself disappear. I no longer sparkle. I am lost.

Now when the invites come. I panic. I need to know exactly who is attending and what will be happening.
Questions attack my inner thoughts.
Will I fit in ?
Will anyone talk to me ?
Will anyone notice that I am there ?
Will I embarrass my husband ?
And on and on it goes like a merry go round in my head.

Right now I am scared out of my mind. An event is coming up [this weekend in fact] for my husbands work. A weekend away to the beautiful Daydream Island. I should be excited, I should be smiling from ear to ear. An entire weekend away from the norm. A weekend in paradise......but the thought of it is making me feel very uneasy. I'm heading very much out of my comfort zone.

My reality is, I feel as though I don't fit in with anyone that will be attending. I feel awkward and very nervy. I am embarrassed at my recent weight gain due to health issues and medication that I am taking.
I no longer feel 'normal' I no longer feel like me, and I don't know how to bounce back.....

The closer the time comes, the more teary I feel. I hate feeling this way and wish that I could just shake it off.
I am mad at myself, what do I really have to be worried about ? I should be thankful and happy.
And I am thankful, I really am. As for being happy......I am going to have to work on it so that I don't loose myself forever. My husband deserves his wife back, my kids still need their mother and I need to enjoy life again, like I use to. I know that it is all in my head, I just need to learn to deal with my anxiety, learn to throw it away and not dwell on it, I will learn to find a way to focus on shining and bringing back the old me !!!

I just have to find a way to begin, I need to stop, gather my thoughts and just breathe.



Linking up with the lovely Jess for another week of IBOT





17 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. When you become a mum it is easy to lose sight of you. You change. It can be difficult and can take time to rediscover yourself to find who you are in your new life. You will get there. The fact that you want to find your sparkle is the first step. The weekend away sounds lovely, but I can definitely see how it would be overwhelming for you. My advice is to have a couple of glasses of wine before any event to relax you. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you Renee, the wine will be on hand :) I am hoping that the weekend goes smoothly and I will enjoy myself. Thank you for dropping by to say hi xx

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  2. I have been there more times than I can count! Are you seeing anyone about your anxiety or have anyone to talk to?
    I have a few posts in my blog that spoke about the girl I used to be and how the sparkle has gone from my eyes.
    I go up and down with this particular circumstance. When I am down I take comfort in having my husband close by my side. As long as he is around I don't feel alone. If I get on with the other people great, but if not, he is still there so I don't feel like a Nigel :)

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    1. Thank you Bec, I have read some of your posts and can totally relate. I am all over the place at the moment, I have been seeing my Dr and hopefully together we can sort me out .... thank you, it is always good to hear from people going through the same sort of thing. Take care xx

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  3. Oh Beck, I have been there too. Have you talked to someone about this? I have an amazing life coach who always asks me what I want and how I plan to get there. I think it is very normal to lose your sparkle in motherhood and start to feel isolated. The best antidote seems to "fake it until you make it." Buy a new dress and feel fabulous for the event. If you do feel like anxiety is taking over a little please please talk to your GP. xxx much love

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    1. Thank you Eleise, I will get there. I have been speaking to my Dr who has been really wonderful so far. Thank you so much for your advice and concern, I really appreciate it xx

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  4. It's so easy to lose your identity and your life to your family isn't it? It often comes down to being organized to get oneself out of the rut, but that's easy said than done. It's almost like you lose your confidence. I hope you are able to find that sparkle again and really enjoy life. x

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    1. Thank you, I am going to do my best to pull myself out of this slump and get back to the old me. Thank you so much for saying hi xx

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  5. I have long struggled with my weight and the social anxiety that for me goes hand in hand with that. Take your time getting ready, make it a relaxing thing...find a lipstick or shoes or something that give you comfort or confidence an old faithful xx You can do this, you deserve time out xxx

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    1. Thank you, your words mean so much. It is always comforting to know that we are not alone isn't it. A lot of people seem so confidant and carefree within themselves that we forget that it can all be a front.
      Sending big hugs and thanks your way xxx

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  6. Are you seeing a therapist or anyone for your anxiety? They can be really good for teaching you some coping strategies. Don't let anxiety rob you of the life you deserve. Your weekend sounds fantastic, I hope you have an amazing time.
    xx

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    1. Thank you, I am going to do my best to enjoy it and leave my anxiety at home. It wont be easy, but I will do my best xx

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  7. Just like Mrs BC mentions above, make sure you are getting yourself some help with some strategies that can help you leave the house. Many of us have been where your are at, it gets better if you find a way to survive the attacks. Have an amazing time and I hope that you find a way to relax and enjoy.

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    1. Thank you Annaleis, I have spoken to my Dr and together I am hoping we can work it all out together. Thank you for your wishes, I will do my best to enjoy myself xx

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  8. Oh Beck, I hear you! This is all too often me, stressing about what people will think and say, and how many different ways they can judge me. When in reality, I don't think they do very much at all.
    I've only met you once, but wish I had spent more time with you. You are such a lovely, gorgeous soul and that shines through. Don't let anyone rob you of that.

    As for the coping strategies, check out Dr Carolyn Leaf. She does a 21 day brain detox and I've done it a couple of times now, and cannot believe how well it works. Really helps you focus on any negative thinking and break it down, but build positive thoughts at the same time. Plus she is a lovely Christian lady so there is that God element in it that I think makes everything better. xx

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  9. Beck, you are such a gorgeous person, in every sense of the word. When I met you I found you so lovely, warm, funny... From where I stand you have nothing to worry about. But I know it feels different where you are. The anticipation and dread is always worse than the event, I find. This event is over now, and you obviously survived :) From now, can you not take consistent, little steps to build up your confidence again? I have found it too easy to lose myself if I don't put myself out in the real world. Remember to be kind to yourself. Xxxx

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  10. Anxiety and weight gain/anxiety and depression - I know these all too well. I took a course on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and I learned what my triggers are. I have to stop my thoughts and focus more on doing things I enjoy, such as gardening. They say that eventually the brain becomes conditioned to do this naturally but I still struggle with my thoughts. You are not alone honey ☀️

    Cdn Gayle

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