At one stage in my life, there were many events and outings that occupied my time and kept me very busy, entertained, and enjoying life.
I thrived being out with others, letting my hair down, so to speak and spending time being me and not 'just a mum'. Not that there is anything wrong with that, after all for the past twenty almost twenty one years that has been ME and the road I chose and what I always dreamt of being. I enjoy being a'mum' more than anything, it has fulfilled all my expectations and more.
But lets face it, we all need to let loose and spend quality time with our partners and friends. To feel alive and refreshed.........
That used to be me !
Now, at this stage in my life going out has become a rare occasion.
Sad but true.....
Life has taken over, I have let it. I have let myself disappear. I no longer sparkle. I am lost.
Now when the invites come. I panic. I need to know exactly who is attending and what will be happening.
Questions attack my inner thoughts.
Will I fit in ?
Will anyone talk to me ?
Will anyone notice that I am there ?
Will I embarrass my husband ?
And on and on it goes like a merry go round in my head.
Right now I am scared out of my mind. An event is coming up [this weekend in fact] for my husbands work. A weekend away to the beautiful Daydream Island. I should be excited, I should be smiling from ear to ear. An entire weekend away from the norm. A weekend in paradise......but the thought of it is making me feel very uneasy. I'm heading very much out of my comfort zone.
My reality is, I feel as though I don't fit in with anyone that will be attending. I feel awkward and very nervy. I am embarrassed at my recent weight gain due to health issues and medication that I am taking.
I no longer feel 'normal' I no longer feel like me, and I don't know how to bounce back.....
The closer the time comes, the more teary I feel. I hate feeling this way and wish that I could just shake it off.
I am mad at myself, what do I really have to be worried about ? I should be thankful and happy.
And I am thankful, I really am. As for being happy......I am going to have to work on it so that I don't loose myself forever. My husband deserves his wife back, my kids still need their mother and I need to enjoy life again, like I use to. I know that it is all in my head, I just need to learn to deal with my anxiety, learn to throw it away and not dwell on it, I will learn to find a way to focus on shining and bringing back the old me !!!
I just have to find a way to begin, I need to stop, gather my thoughts and just breathe.
Linking up with the lovely Jess for another week of IBOT
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