26 Apr 2016

FEELING ALL THE FEELS


During the course of my life I have been continuously let down and cast aside by a family member. Mentally abused to the point that the mere mention of them has at times made me physically sick. Although not solely to blame, I would go as far as saying that this member of "my family" are a major factor of my depression and anxiety.

I have never acknowledged that before today...
Maybe that is a huge milestone for me.

I don't know why I haven't been able to admit that before, I know that deep down I always knew it, but to actually speak of it out loud was not something I was ready to do before now.

Today mid morning I was going about my usual business. Washing, folding, cleaning you get my drift, when I received a phone call that was in my books very unsettling. I knew that to check on this person there was only one thing that I could possibly do, as much as I wanted to let the conversation that I had go,  I knew that this was not the right thing to do. After procrastinating for quite some time, I rang my husband to ask his advice. I already knew what he would say, I was just trying to avoid the inevitable.

I was physically sick, but I made that call...

Surprisingly for the first time in a long long time it went well. My questions were answered, the conversation pleasant, I was on edge the whole time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept expecting to be dumped on, for the sarcasm to rare its ugly head. It didn't.
I don't know whether it was mutual concern for the other person involved that warranted me to make this call or something much deeper, but for now I am not going to read to much into it or make myself sick with worry trying to analyse every inch of the conversation. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie and take one small step at a time, starting with admitting the affect this person has had on my entire life and why for so many years a deep cut has not been able to heal.

What has made me come to this point today ?
A day that started out as a normal Tuesday but ended with an explosive admittance.
Why am I feeling all the feels of a roller coaster when my feet are firmly planted on the ground ?


Today, on this ordinary Tuesday for the first time that I can remember...

My father told me that he loved me.


Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT and spilling my guts to get it all off my chest.

beck xx

8 comments:

  1. So it turned out that this "ordinary" Tuesday was really quite extraordinary after all. That may be the first time you father told you he loved you, but I hope that it's not the last. Here's to healing...

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    1. Thank you Sammie, still not sure about it all but baby steps xx

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  2. That is huge. I hope that things continue to improve in baby steps...and that you (and he) benefit.

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  3. Oh that's massive Beck! I'm so glad he told you that and I hope that this is the start of a healing journey for you. xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Jess. Still trying to process it, but at least it's a start xx

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  4. Wow, that is a really big deal. We have something in common (apart from Facebook thinking we are twins!) - my mother was similar. In fact we were estranged for many years before her death for the reasons you listed :-( .

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    Replies
    1. Sorry to hear that Janet. We are lucky that we both have such beautiful families now.

      What a giggle is face book, maybe you are my long lost twin 😂😂 lol

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