FEELING ALL THE FEELS

During the course of my life I have been continuously let down and cast aside by a family member. Mentally abused to the point that the mere mention of them has at times made me physically sick. Although not solely to blame, I would go as far as saying that this member of "my family" are a major factor of my depression and anxiety.

I have never acknowledged that before today...
Maybe that is a huge milestone for me.

I don't know why I haven't been able to admit that before, I know that deep down I always knew it, but to actually speak of it out loud was not something I was ready to do before now.

Today mid morning I was going about my usual business. Washing, folding, cleaning you get my drift, when I received a phone call that was in my books very unsettling. I knew that to check on this person there was only one thing that I could possibly do, as much as I wanted to let the conversation that I had go,  I knew that this was not the right thing to do. After procrastinating for quite some time, I rang my husband to ask his advice. I already knew what he would say, I was just trying to avoid the inevitable.

I was physically sick, but I made that call...

Surprisingly for the first time in a long long time it went well. My questions were answered, the conversation pleasant, I was on edge the whole time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept expecting to be dumped on, for the sarcasm to rare its ugly head. It didn't.
I don't know whether it was mutual concern for the other person involved that warranted me to make this call or something much deeper, but for now I am not going to read to much into it or make myself sick with worry trying to analyse every inch of the conversation. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie and take one small step at a time, starting with admitting the affect this person has had on my entire life and why for so many years a deep cut has not been able to heal.

What has made me come to this point today ?
A day that started out as a normal Tuesday but ended with an explosive admittance.
Why am I feeling all the feels of a roller coaster when my feet are firmly planted on the ground ?


Today, on this ordinary Tuesday for the first time that I can remember...

My father told me that he loved me.


Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT and spilling my guts to get it all off my chest.

beck xx