19 Dec 2012

Some Say Blood Is Thicker Then Water, I Say, That Depends !

Family.....
That word alone provokes many different feelings for many people. Being part of a family is wonderful and the love that is shared within families is something that everyone deserve to have. But sometimes I think many of us take family for granted.
Grandparents, parents, siblings, husbands, wives and children. Having the love that comes with family is something that should be cherished and held dear.

My childhood was "typical" for a broken home. Weekends at my fathers and split holidays. Being an only child made it lonely and it was hard to cope with it all on my own (I was only 9 and felt that I had no one to turn to) as many young children do when their parents split, I thought that it was in someway my fault....the minds of the innocent play tricks.

Anyhoo enough of that......

The reason for this post is that I am hurt, I am angry and I feel the need to lash out. Circumstances that are totally out of my control are happening, and I am feeling isolated, pushed aside.
See for many years now my father (biological) and I have had a rocky relationship. Without going into to much detail, we are basically no longer on speaking terms. We use to do the mandatory Birthday, Fathers Day, Easter and Christmas phone calls and cards but that has also stopped along with the fact that he no longer acknowledges my children (to be honest, I am totally unsure as to why this is) for a few years now through Face Book and with the contact that I have with other family members, I know how much he "adores" my step sisters kids and that he does so much for and with them....he and my sons would pass each other on the street as if they were complete strangers. This hurts more then words could ever say.
It's been a hard, long road to let go of this, and I am not sure that I ever really will.

Anyhoo moving on, I have got side tracked with my anger......

The reason for this post and my provoked anger is that my Grandfather (Bio Dads father) has had another stroke, he is really not doing well, things are looking very bleak. When the phone rang and it was my father I instantly knew that something was wrong since we have had no contact since the last time my Pop was ill some months back.
I live in another state, and my heart is breaking to know that I may never see my Pop again, I also know that it would be very hard to go and face matters head on, and for that I am torn......
But no matter what is going on with the relationship between my father and I, I don't think that it's to much to ask that I be kept informed, I am after all his only true Grand Daughter and I want to know how he is progressing every step of the way. I should not have to find out everything via Face Book statuses, I should not be left out of this unfolding family tragedy.

Am I expecting to much for my phone calls to be returned ?
Am I being selfish that I cried like a baby when I read how many people were giving my step sister sympathy and lending her support while I am being left out in the cold ?
That it took a Face Book status to tell me that it is likely he will not be going home again ?
Am I expecting to much ?

I am an emotional wreck, if I could change the past I would, but I cant. I know that we are both at fault, but I should not have been the only one making the effort trying to mend things for years on end all on my own, it takes both parties to communicate and other people need to back off and keep their noses out of it...I've given up on ever having a "good" relationship with my father again, but in the end we are still family, we are blood, and that is still, and will always be my grandfather, and that will never change.

May God be with you and let you know that I have always loved you Pop, we have shared some wonderful times together and you need to stay strong. Know that even though I am far away and not by your side, that I am holding your hand tight in mine......

Keep fighting.....
xxxx

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